Women don't ask

A couple of years ago I found the book Women Don't Ask: The High Cost of Avoiding Negotiation - and Positive Strategies for Change by Linda Babcock and Sarah Laschever in the small business section of a bookstore.

This book changed my life.

It opened my eyes to how men and women are raised differently in this culture. Men are taught by their elders how to negotiate because in their worldview everything is negotiable; whereas women are taught to be good girls and follow the rules - still! The authors pointed out how this discrepancy in cultural conditioning from an early age continues to fuel the income and career success discrepancy between men and women. Especially since the idea that women should be "good" and follow the rules is often perpetuated by men as well as other women.

Can you just imagine how many opportunities are lost each day by women playing by the rules and waiting to be recognized and rewarded for their creativity and hard work? Meanwhile their male counterparts are asking for opportunities and recognition without any of the heart-wrenching agony that most women go through as they try find the courage to break the rules and mention that they want or need something.

As soon as I put this book down, I was determined to start asking for opportunities and situations that benefitted me. And even with the strategies outlined in the book - boy was it hard to do! I had to grapple with my conditioning, all those fears and doubts about how my requests would be received and how that would affect people's opinions of me. Especially when sometimes my fears did come true from men and women who still followed the old rules. All that good girl conditioning really rose to the surface, but instead of giving in to my fears or giving up when my requests weren't received well I just kept asking. And to my surprise and delight, the easier it got for me to ask, the more I found that people responded positively. In the overall picture, very few people responded negatively to my requests for something I wanted or needed - instead most people were pleased to help!

I discovered that rules, policies and pricetags are negotiable in almost every situation.

It was a powerful revelation for me to see how much more flexibility and how many more opportunities there actually are in the world. I was able to release the yoke of cultural conditioning. It was liberating and exhilirating - I started asking for everything that came to mind because - well why not? I had wasted so many years being a good girl and settling for what I was given.

While this newfound skill was helpful in my personal life, I found it particularly effective in leveraging my practice because it helped me negotiate professional development opportunities, business collaborations, and especially with rebooking clients. If you have not read this book, I suggest you pick it up immediately! With the current economy the way it is, as has been true in other recessions, there are more opportunities than ever for negotiation as people strive to keep their businesses thriving. Creative and flexible solutions are being sought after, and maybe your idea is the answer to someone's problem!

Knowing how to ask for something you want or need is a powerful skill, and I want you to start practicing if you don't flex this muscle often. I see so many of you going through transitions in your personal life and careers right now, and I don't want you to sell yourself short or settle while you wait for someone else to offer you what you want or need. It turns out that most people are delighted to hear what you want or need because they wouldn't know what to offer you or think that you're already content because you didn't say anything. Just ask and see what kind of doors open for you!

And while I'm on this subject here's a door you might want to open! There are just a few seats left in the mastermind group for getting clear on your dream practice, identifying strategies to get around or through your roadblocks and creating your Inner Roadmap for Success that I put together for wellness practitioners (or those aspiring to be). So many of you shared fantastic feedback that the program sounds fabulous, but it just wasn't the right timing or investment for you at this time.

So, I invite you - those of you who really wish you could be there with us making breakthroughs and taking steps to bring your dreams to life - to identify what you need to make this program just right for you and ask me about it. I really want you to have this powerful opportunity for support, inspiration and forward motion with your vision, but I can't help you experience this groundbreaking mastermind unless you open the door and start a conversation about what's going to get you there. The program starts Sunday, July 12th, so pick up the book, pick up the phone or send me and email and flex your asking muscles!