For several weeks, I had been struggling with procrastination, especially when it came to getting myself out the door and to an appointment on time. Usually I'd get to client appointments in the nick of time, but when it came to appointments I had made with other professionals to receive services I could be as much as 20 minutes late. And this kept happening week after week until it reached a point where I was incredibly embarassed by my repeated behavior and frustrated at myself for pushing the envelope with my beloved service providers. So, I asked my coach to help me confront the situation and figure out what was going on below the surface because inevitably when things like procrastination and perfectionism pop up - there is something deeper going on.
So we unraveled it layer by layer.
Procrastinating and leaving late for appointments because I just wanted to do one more thing online or on the phone before I went to bed or left the house in the morning filled me with stress about rushing and being late. And yet, I was doing it over and over again, so clearly the negative experience belied some other satisfaction from the experience or I would have cut it out long ago. I would spend the whole trip feeling bad about being late, rushing as much as I could while my body was vibrating with tension from the race not to be too late. Yuck! This is not a state of being that I prefer to be in, and it's really not conducive to relaxation! And you may be wondering, like I did, what on earth was this self-induced punishment doing for me?
So, we broke it down even further. By making myself late, and by beating myself up mentally for being late - I was totally unable to enjoy, relax into, or really benefit from the service I was receiving. I was sabotaging the self-care I scheduled for myself. Ironic that even me, someone who swears by and teaches self-care, could catch myself sabotaging my own efforts! When I thought more about it, I noticed that I was doing the same thing when it came to going to the gym or fitting in yoga workouts - I was too tired in the morning from staying up late to do just one more thing, or too busy with this or that work thing during the day to carve out relaxing, plentiful self-care sessions like I had over much of the last year.
And why was I sabotaging my self-care sessions? Because I was prioritizing doing one (or 10) more thing(s) on my business late at night, first thing in the morning, and anytime I could sneak it in during the day! And it turns out this is a very old self-sabotaging pattern of mind where I become a work-a-holic. Someone even noticed and commented anonymously about me working more than living on Facebook! Here I was with a preoccupation about spreading the word about self-care, relaxation and wellness while totally not practicing what I was preaching. Truly this revelation made me giggle at the irony, and also wonder what was truly motivating me.
Where was all this procrastination, work-a-holic self-care sabotage coming from?
It turned out that since my pelvis/hip thing has become much less of an issue, some old inner limiting beliefs about needing to work hard all the time to be a "good girl" and not deserving R&R, self-care, and recreation until I'd achieved X, Y, or Z was popping up for me. Here I thought I was beyond all this conditioning, and it turns out this old baggage needed another spin through the cycle for it to be released! I learned the hard way through a debilitating repetitive strain injury that working long, hard hours without enough self-care is not actually "good" for me, or anyone, so it's back to self-care for me! And by the way, as soon as this shift in awareness happened, the overworking, procrastination, and rushing all went away.
What does your procrastination do for you?
about Joanna
- Joanna Scaparotti
- Beverly, MA, United States
- Joanna's passion is creating mindful entrepreneurship and soul-centered authentic businesses in the wellness industry that seamlessly integrate values such as abundance, service and wellness with the freedom of flexible lifestyles and the benefits of creative community collaboration.
5 comments:
Awesome article. I can see this was true for me a few years ago too, flurrying around working alot.
Now I need to figure out what to call"procrastination"(not working on my web site)because I don't have enough time free from my children. I don't know if it is the same as procrastination, or maybe a combo? Any other moms experience this?
You might consider it a form of procrastination if you're not carving time or space out of your role as caretaker to be or do things for yourself. And while on the surface, you may think that it's simply a matter of logistics as to why you don't find a way to carve out some time for YOU as a unique, gifted individual to be or do things that are important to you outside your role as a caretaker, but if you dig around I bet you will find some deeper reasons!
Marci, as a mom myself maybe I can comment a bit... I think a lot of the time when we are moms, we feel guilty doing something just for us or leaving our kids. There is that worry if they will be OK and also a misconception that when you are a mom, you life need to be centered on your kids. I don't know if that applies to you, but I know that kids would be OK without you for half hour and would be better off in the long run to know that their mom followed her dreams :)
hello joanna,
your article is helpful. i can relate to the ridiculous spinning pace; it kept me busy for years. as my new reiki master, you know my new path... the one that's all about me! i appreciate the gentleness of the heart opening journey through yoga, prayer, song, family & friends, reiki, music & work. i'm into "smelling the roses" these days & plan my life according. healthy time organization is my new thing! more time for what i love is energizing, especially the early am hours!
I recently had a pretty upsetting run in with a teacher. It was my only class last quarter that was not at, or on the same day as another that started at, 9am (read: the time my husband needs to be at work, so we leave the house & commute together). I was usually 5-15 minutes late, and it became apparent towards the end of the quarter that it was upsetting my prof, and he finally confronted me about it. I did try to change my habit, but I guess my effort was too little too late, as he penalized me a half grade.
My lateness was always due to procrastination - I would spend another few minutes on the computer before leaving and I didn't realize I had to pee before I left or brush my teeth or get dressed; or alternately I was too busy cramming for exams to realize I needed to eat and then heating something up takes a while, and so on.
The thing is, I love my school and I can see that I'm self-sabotaging, and I am baffled. It's not like I'm doing anything incredibly important on the internet, and it's not like I couldn't have studied more earlier in the day or week. Or heck, I can take public transportation and cram the whole way to school.
I am really trying to change this habit, as it's everywhere in my life, and has just really been brought to the forefront by this situation. I don't think I can fully change until I get to the bottom of it all.
Thanks for this post, as it's really relevant to me, even though I think my root is different from yours. It's good food for thought.
Sorry for the disjointed comment, I am pretty jet-lagged and sleep-depped. I hope this all came out making sense.
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