Coping Gracefully

Dear readers,

I like to post here a couple of times a week, but as you may have noticed recently I have not been posting as much as usual. The reason why is chronic pain. It's hard to be creative and outgoing and energized when you are immobilized by pain, as any of you suffering from chronic pain of some kind or another know. I've been dealing with severe pelvic pain since October and struggling to find a specialist with great communication skills who can pinpoint what is going on inside my body and help me create a solution or management plan. It's been quite challenging on a number of levels, even though I have worked in health care for some years now.

First of all, it's pretty tough to talk to someone about your symptoms, especially when they are frustrating, incapacitating and in an embarassing part of your body. It's even harder to keep your chin up and keep trying to get the care you need, when the health care provider you trust to assist you does not address your whole person with the attention that you need and deserve during this difficult time. It seems to get harder each time to bring your story to a new provider, hoping this time you'll get results. I have deep empathy for anyone who has struggled with getting a difficult health problem addressed. Being in pain (or very ill) is a very vulnerable position to be in, and unfortunately, you really have to push and advocate for the attention and treatment that you need. That can be hard to do when you are feeling great, and it becomes a daunting obstacle when you need it most.

So how do you muster the resources you need during a difficult time and persist until you get the care that you need? Well, here's what I do to cope gracefully:

• Treat yourself compassionately. (Read about compassion here and here.) I give myself permission to feel my emotions around the pain - frustration, anger, helplessness. I write them down in a journal to get them out of my system and let them go.
  
• Communicate what's happening to friends and family members and enlist their support. This includes not only asking them to listen and be a witness to my struggle, but also asking for help in preparing what to say to the doctors, getting to/from appointments, to cover chores and errands when it hurts too much, and receiving reminders, encouragement, sympathy and pep talks when I'm having a bad day.
• Don't try to give 100%. In fact, on severe pain days, I don't even try for 60%. I figure out what's most important - do what I can and leave the rest. (See post about the 60/40 principle)
• Honor my body's messages. I check in regularly for cues on what my body needs. I rest when tired. I drink when thirsty. I stretch when tense. I breathe slowly when anxious. I cry when frustrated. I lie down or sit still and use heat when it hurts.
  
• Relax deeply. Each morning I spend about 30 minutes in meditation. I sit comfortably, sharing the couch with my cat, and breathe slowly. I let my breath center me, and I put my hands over the painful spots and let Reiki flow. I sit in quiet receptivity, starting my day off with peace and calm. Through listening within like this every day, I have learned a lot about myself and what I need. I also spend time in the afternoon or evening in meditation too if it's been a busy or active day, since that's when pain tends to be worse. I breathe slowly and relax and do gentle stretching to avoid complicating things with tension.
  
• Get clear about my history. I make notes of my symptoms, when they occur, how they feel, and how they've developed over time. Typing this up and giving it to a healthcare provider facilitates communication and understanding, especially if you are feeling frustrated or upset at the time of your visit.
• Get clear about my boundaries and needs. For most conditions there are plenty of treatment options that range from mild to invasive with varying side effects and degrees of effectiveness. Ultimately the decision on which treatment plan to follow is up to you not your healthcare provider. Don't be bullied into something that you aren't comfortable with. Ask a lot of questions and get the answers, facts, and details you need to know to make an informed decision that you feel comfortable with.
  
• Don't let the pain put the brakes on my life and get me down. I like to keep living even when I'm hurting, so I don't let it hold me back. Instead I find ways to work around the pain. For instance, I use a stool when giving sessions to clients instead of standing. I ask friends to come over instead of walking to meet them somewhere. I get food delivered to my house instead of trying to carry groceries home from the store. Things like that.
• Exercise to the best of my abilities right now. If that means all I can do is gentle yoga and walking, then I do that instead of nothing. One of these days I hope to get back to classes and weight lifting at the gym, but for now gentle is good enough.
• Treating myself to massages, reiki, acupuncture by other practitioners for nurturing and supporting my body in relaxing during this stressful time.
  

If any of you have stories, please comment here and share. I'd love to hear how you cope gracefully!

Do you strive for 100%?

Last month an online friend of mine mentioned the 60/40 principle. It was developed by a psychologist in the 1930's as part of a program to help people manage their inner environment for good mental health. Striving for 100% or more all the time leads to many challenges like fatigue, depression, anxiety, and the physical ailments associated with chronic stress. Many of us are trained culturally or driven internally to be perfectionists all of the time, and despite our best efforts, we often fall short of our expectations and end up exhausted and disappointed in ourselves. I don't know about you, but this is certainly a pattern in my life.

The psychologist, Dr. Low, taught his patients to take a different approach. He encouraged them to lower their expectations to a more reasonable level - 60/40. He said that 60/40 is average for everybody and encouraged his patients to give themselves permission to be average. He pointed out that if people really lived at 100% they'd probably have ascended to another realm by now. He taught that if you can accomplish 60% at your best, that's pretty good, and if you're having a bad day it's ok to drop your optimum even lower.

I encourage you to try out the 60/40 principle this week and give yourself permission to set reasonable goals and relax while you work towards them.

What do you lead with?

Have you ever paid attention to how you walk? Do you walk like you're in a hurry to get to your destination, or do you enjoy the journey? We all know that walking is good exercise, but did you know it can be a fun way to relax and reduce stress?

Next time you are walking, pay attention to your body language. What message are you giving yourself and those around you? Are you leading with your head or chest, maybe leaning forward for speed? What do you see as you walk? Do you notice your surroundings, or are you concentrating on your destination? This type of walking might be a make a good cardio workout, but it's not likely to help you relax.

Try leading with your belly instead. I know it sounds silly, but if you just give it a try you'll be glad you did. As you stand, relax your belly fully - just let it all hang out and lean back a little as if you just finished a big meal and you're making room for digestion. Now as you begin to walk, lead your movements with your belly, hips and thighs, continuing to relax and lean back slightly. You'll find you'll naturally want to take some nice slow breaths and your body begins to relax. Leaning back like this, instead of hunched forward, you may notice more of your surroundings and enjoy them too.

I find that it's pretty hard to stay cranky and stressed when leading with my belly - in fact I feel like I'm strolling and on top of the world. Next time you're feeling stressed, I encourage you to lead with your belly and see where it takes you!

Start your day by "being" instead of "doing"

Recently, I was asked what I think the single most important thing someone can do to maintain sanity, keep stress at a minimum and increase productivity when launching a business. While those starting a business have a unique set of stressors, we all have complicated lives in our own way, so my answer applies to everyone.

In my opinion, the single most important thing a person can do is to take some quiet "me" time every morning. This means not starting the day with checking your email, watching the news or yelling at your kids to hurry up. It means setting aside a few minutes just for you to relax before you start your morning routine or finding a way to incorporate it into your current routine such as listening to soothing music on your commute to work. Whether you play with your pet, just sit with your favorite beverage savoring the flavors, meditate, do yoga, go for a walk, look out over your garden, play music you enjoy, or reflect in a journal, making the time every morning to just be is a very simple way to maintain sanity and keep stress at bay.

First of all, these special moments just for yourself allow you to be fully present in your day so you can truly own and appreciate it. By making "me" time first thing, you claim your day, rather than it being claimed by the rat race or your obligations to everyone else day after day. In addition, this quiet time sets the tone for your day. If you start out peaceful and focused, chances are the rest of your day will follow suit. Whereas, if you start the day in a rush, frantic and running late, chances are the rest of the day is going to be fairly stressful too.

There is another benefit of spending time being every morning before you start doing all the things that need to be done in your day. The quiet time gives you the opportunity to let creative ideas gestate, solutions to be discovered, and inspiration to happen because your mind is open and receptive instead of preoccupied like when you are busy the rest of the day.

Wow, your ezine...

Wow, your ezine is chock full of interesting information. I don't know how you do it so often, but I look forward to reading it each time it arrives. Thank you. - Beth S.