Do you have an inner perfectionist?

Recently, it's come to my attention that I have an inner perfectionist. This discovery came as a shock to me, but when I mentioned it to close friends and family, they all nodded and agreed. How strange it was to meet this part of my personality, and yet it was so powerful to become aware of how these subconscious influences affect my life.

I suspect that each inner perfectionist has her own characteristics and job to do. In my case, my inner perfectionist is the driving force behind me striving to give 100% or better much of the time. And she is the little voice in my head that cautions me against trying something new if she's not 100% certain I can succeed, do a great job, or do whatever it is without upsetting anyone.

In fact, my inner perfectionist is behind a lot of the procrastinating in my life.

She holds me back from speaking up when things aren't working for me and asking for a change that better meets my needs because she doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. She puts the brakes on unproven, innovative new ideas that might really serve my clients because she doesn't want to make a mistake. And she tries to keep me from walking through open doors of opportunity discovered by my intuition when life is too busy to verify the spark of inspiration with a thorough logical analysis.

While I suspect that my inner perfectionist came into being in my younger years to protect me from doing things that might seriously injure me or get me into a lot of trouble because I can recall several incidents in my childhood where she would have come in handy, her strict rules seem to keep me stuck in unhealthy and uninspiring situations as an adult. And while she provides excellent customer service to my clients, her unwavering standards lead to exhaustion.

In fact, psychologists have discovered that giving these inner perfectionists free reign to strive for 100% all the time lead to many challenges like fatigue, depression, anxiety and the physical symptoms of chronic stress. Many of us are trained culturally or driven internally to be perfectionists all of the time, and despite our best efforts, we often fall short of our expectations and end up exhausted and disappointed in ourselves. I don't know about you, but this is certainly a pattern in my life.

An inner perfectionist can be hard to spot, but there are some signs that give her away. For example, inner perfectionists are much harder on themselves than they are on anyone else. If you find that you give yourself a hard time about something that you would forgive or not even blink an eye about if someone else did it - you may have an inner perfectionist. Another sign: procrastination! If you find yourself putting off doing something because you don't have exactly the right tools or skills to do it just right and you're afraid of making a fool out of yourself or because you're afraid of upsetting someone else by making a change or being successful - you may have an inner perfectionist.

If you do discover that, like me, you have an inner perfectionist - don't do what I did when I discovered it. I gave myself a hard time about it in true perfectionist form. Instead, give yourself permission to not be perfect all the time and relax. Whether that means giving yourself space to to be average, adventerous, willing to disappoint others some of the time, or to make a fool out of yourself - give yourself permission to try things without worrying about getting it right. And give your inner perfectionist a lot of compassion because she's working overtime to keep you safe - perhaps it's time to send her on vacation for a while.

If your inner perfectionist was on vacation, what would you do differently in your relationships, at home, at work?

Lessons from labor

I am writing this week's article from the hospital with a friend who has been laboring with her first child for over 48 hours. It's been an emotional journey the last couple of days for all of us. It's been powerful watching my friend balance her willpower, stamina and desire to meet her son with the surrender required by the birthing process.

One of the most poignant lessons has been the reminder that even when you do everything in your power to encourage something to happen, there are times that you just have to wait and let things take their natural course.

That's a potent lesson in this day and age, not only for expectant mothers, but for all of us.

How often do we pick our goals and decide exactly how we are going to achieve them? It can be so comforting to predict how we're going to act, what we're going to do, who we're going to do it with and what will happen. We often get so caught up in doing things the way we predetermined to do them that we miss the wonderful opportunities to do things differently, perhaps even more delightfully, that present themselves as we journey through life.

Watching my friend labor has been a reminder that most of the time we truly do not have power over the mysterious ways of the universe. It's also been a nice reminder about what we ALWAYS have power over: how we respond to circumstances beyond our control. We can get caught up in what we wanted to happen and be unhappy when things don't go the way we hope or expect, or, like my friend, we can stay fully present in the moment and make choices that honor the natural process.

My friends have really been an inspiration in how they've handled this laboring journey - they have become skilled at making choices in the best interest of mom and baby based on the factors available at each different point in time that the path forks.

In fact, my coach calls this type of decision making process "dancing with spirit" - it's when you keep your end goal in mind yet make decisions based on what's the best option, what's healthiest, what your heart feels is right based on what you know right NOW while letting go of all expectations of how things should go.

We can all benefit from my friends example. While you may have a vision in your mind of what you desire in your life, whether it's a new baby or a new business or even the outcome of a project - instead of getting hung up on HOW you expect to achieve your end goal, in my friends' case meeting their new son, you can release all expectations of HOW your goal will be achieved and focus instead on being in the moment and giving yourself the freedom to be open to choices and opportunities that you hadn't originally imagined were possible.

Your turn: practice courage and self-care

During our work together, some of my clients recently made a 5 month investment in themselves - they put self-care first and took risks by trying things they'd never considered doing before. (See this week's article here.) As a result of practicing courage and self-love each week, they became empowered and began to let themselves dream bigger visions for their futures. They naturally started to take steps to bring these dreams to life. If you're feeling stuck or scared - make an investment in yourself. Take the best care of yourself as you possibly can and practice courage by trying things out of your comfort zone. That way you can dream bigger too.

What an investment in yourself can do

In the very near future, my Reiki Master students will be graduating from the 5 month intensive training program with their Reiki Master certification. You might think that a Reiki Master program is all about learning the Reiki System of Natural Healing techniques and how to use them on others. That doesn't really cover it though. Reiki Master training is so much more - it's an investment in yourself. Working with energy is working with emotions, mental habits and behavioral patterns, especially your own. If you aren't clear about your own inner stuff, you're not going to be able to facilitate healing on a Reiki Master level for someone else.

Reiki Master training is truly mastery of yourself. (If you're interested in studying with me, look here.)

It's been amazing to watch these perservering students focus on self-care in the face of much homework practicing techniques on volunteers over the last five months. It's been empowering to witness them discover inside themselves the capacity to do things they had never considered before. Even more powerful than their courageous acts of facing their doubts and fears has been hearing them begin to share the dreams they've held quietly in their hearts for a long while.

I remember back to when I first graduated with my Masters Degree in Natural Health and then later with my Reiki Master certification. I was burning with passion and ready to launch myself out into the world as a wellness practitioner to help others on their healing journeys. This was years ago before the wellness industry became a hot topic, and I had no idea how to start a practice. It was many years of attempts with other jobs to pay the bills in between before I finally figured out what it takes to be a successful self-employed service professional.

It's not what you might think.

It's not being the best in your field or even knowing all the special business systems that self-employed entrepreneurs use! It's really all about your inner stuff.

Where you are emotionally, psychologically and spiritually and your clarity of outer vision - how you want to be of service in the world - and clarity of inner vision - knowing and trusting yourself and being open to inspiration - is what it takes to succeed as a service professional with dreams to change the world.

Without this clarity of vision, your inner fears, doubts and subconcious patterns are going to put up roadblocks and hold you back from moving forward.

And there is nothing better for getting really deep perspective on yourself than working with a group of like-minded individuals. The energy of a group of motivated, passionate, compassionate individuals who are ready to clear away the blocks in their path to success can create powerful healing and bigger dreams. This type of a group is called a mastermind, and it can be intense but very rewarding. (Read about whether a mastermind is for you in Christine Kane's blog.)

As a gift to my graduating students, I am pulling together a mastermind of service minded professionals who are passionate, determined, positive, and ready to dig deep to uncover road blocks to their success. These individuals are ready to move forward with their dreams to be of service and change the world from a place of clarity and confidence. I want my students to have what I missed out on when I graduated so they can move forward supported, encouraged and focused.

I'm also offering a program this summer for Reiki practitioners who are ready to invest in themselves. It's called Change Your Life with Reiki, and it's similar to a mastermind - we'll be using the energy of group Reiki when we're together and self-Reiki and self exploration at home to change your life in a positive way.

As I've mentioned before my practice is shifting to serve those who are innovating to heal themselves and the world, so stay tuned for new programs via teleclass and internet for those of you who live in other parts of the country (or the world) and need support, motivation and affirmation to move your dreams forward! Private one-on-one programs are coming up too.

Calm at the center of the storm

Sometimes life has a comfortable familiar rhythm day in and day out that's easy to follow. Other times when big life changes are happening like the birth of a new baby, a move, an illness, the loss of a loved one or a job, or even starting your own business, the natural rhythm that sustains you can get lost. What do you do when that happens?

Do you float adrift in a stormy sea of changes or do you become the calm at the center of the storm?

For years, I was that person on a lifeboat in the middle of the storm trying not to drown and to just hang on until the storm finally passed. Each big life change felt like a force outside my control, and I felt like a victim of circumstance. Sometimes I could make the best of the situations, but often I complained, grumbled and resisted the changes the whole time.

Eventually though, I realized that there was another way to get through big life changes that was more empowering.

Instead of losing the rhythm of my self-care routines to the chaos of change - I made this my priority.

It was counterintuitive at first - how do you keep up with self-care habits like yoga, meditation, and exercise while you're tending to a newborn, sleeping on someone's couch, at the career center or in a hospital waiting room? But the more I practiced - in any and every environment I found myself in - the easier it became to do.

And the benefits were immeasurable.

Instead of anxious, I felt calm. Instead of a mind filled with worry, I felt focused and clear about what I needed to do next and where my priorities were. Instead of being tense and exhausted, I was peaceful, energized and relaxed. Amazingly, I felt able to respond in each changing moment to what came next instead of reacting from a place of fear. I felt empowered and confident. I had found the calm at the center of any storm that might hit my life and jolt me out of my comfortable place.

What do you do when big life changes interrupt the flow of your comfortable life?

Do you put off self-care until things "settle" down, or do you make it a priority, letting it nourish and sustain you through the changes and challenges?

Even if you feel too busy, too flustered, too overwhelmed to make self-care a priority today, I encourage you to do it anyways. At the very least, take 5 minutes and breath slowly. I'm positive you can find five minutes in your day to connect with your breath and your body and relax for a few moments. And do it again tomorrow and the day after.

Wondering how you can slip self-care into your day? Read this article about starting your day with self-care.