My heart is feeling raw this morning.
I remember laying in bed that morning after my husband of 10 days left for work. I was looking up through the windows at the gorgeous September morning, the sky a beautiful, vivid blue with only a few puffy clouds slowly sliding by. I was content, blissful, so happy in every cell of my body, enjoying the honeymoon phase after my wedding. I was probably watching my wedding ring sparkle in the sunlight, as I laid there for a few moments soaking up the sunshine, my joy and all being right in my world.
Then my sister called and told me to turn on the television. And my bliss shattered.
It was replaced by confusion, fear, grief as I watched the live television coverage of what was happening in NYC. I was riveted for hours, as many were. The ripple effects, the layers of grief for all who died, all who lost, all who were affected became a dark shadow drowning me. The light in my husband’s eyes went out, and it rarely came back for more than a few seconds at a time over the next 7 years.
My honeymoon was over, and the innocent joy of all being right in my world was gone. The simple bliss of that morning never returned to my married life. The tragedy tore us apart, as one’s grief and depression is a lonely affair. We grew apart in so many ways, and we never recaptured that joyfulness again. Each year together grimmer than the previous.
Three summers ago, we finally divorced. The pain of those years of suffering had fully taken over my body. I was disabled with pain, and I could no longer hold my world together and keep the dream alive. I surrendered to defeat and failure. I had believed that love was enough to weather any tragedy or storm, and I was wrong.
And I was left behind, trapped in my body with all that pain. For six months, I waited for the pain to stop so I could start living again. One day I realized I had been waiting for years to start living again, and seven years had passed me by. It started to dawn on me that joy and peace were not going to find me while I sat around dwelling on pain and disappointment.
It was up to me to find them.
I decided it had been long enough. It was time to stop letting my life be defined by pain, grief and disappointment over shattered dreams. It was time to start living again. The journey to joy, for me, started with a new kind of surrender. I accepted that at this moment in time my body and spirit are in extreme pain after years suffering.
I discovered that pain and suffering are not the same thing.
Simple acts of kindness towards myself and being fully present to experience them replaced the suffering with peace. I took baby step after baby step, constantly checking in with myself. “What do I need in this moment? What kindness can I give myself in this moment?” Those days, weeks, months of kindness and self-love added up. Despite the physical pain in my body, peace, contentment, even joy slipped back into my life. No longer were they based on external circumstances, who loved and wanted me, or lack of pain. They came from a place directly inside of me that is not dependent on anything else to exist. I found them when I treated myself with loving-kindness.
I hadn’t known how powerful I had been all along to cultivate peace, love, joy and bliss in my daily life by simply acting with a loving intention.
I realized that, like keeping love alive in a relationship, personal happiness is an active, dynamic process. It requires daily commitment and discipline to cultivate. It needs tending like a garden, making choices throughout each day to be kind and loving towards oneself and others in thought, action and deed. In fact, the two go hand in hand, by treating oneself and others well, it is easy to keep happiness and love thriving. Throw in some daily gratitude for what you have instead of dwelling on what you don’t, and your heart grows in it’s capacity to experience love and joy. No matter what the circumstances are around your life today.
What happened September 11, 2011 changed me in profound ways. I am not sure I would have the depth, compassion and awareness I have now without that loss of innocence. I may not have suffered long and hard enough to learn that suffering is just an illusion, a creation of the mind, as the Buddhists say. My lesson learned reminds me of my favorite quote from the Charge of the Goddess by Doreen Valiente:
"If you find not what you seek within, you will never find it without."
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